No Going Back

I hate the words “comfort zone”. It drives me nuts! lol BUT it is often the truth. They are the four walls that surround us at all times. They are our invisible protection zone. They are barriers that protect us from bad crap getting in. However!!!! They also stop us from getting out. Those walls trap us from movement. I like to think of them as the “great insecure walls”. Let’s face it, every time we step out from the box our brains scream at us to stop. Our skin crawls with fear. Our hearts beat faster and we can actually hear the pounding.

For me… I have learned that insecurity is a part of life. Making a move that creates a better person takes effort and patience, not just from me but from everyone around me. I think I sometimes forget that others around me can feel the same way. We all forget this.

So I had a year of what I like to call a journey of understanding and revelation. Stepping out of the zone I created and learning that I alone have the ability to move forward and become the person I am supposed to be.

For me… it is those people around me that help me with my journey. We all have people in our lives that help. Sometimes just them being there is all you need. But what I am realizing is that I ultimately have to take the steps and move forward. No one else but me. I joke that I am thrown under the bus but I know that I would never be pushed by loved ones if they didn’t think I was ready. I also know I wouldn’t do anything I was pushed to do if “I” WASN’T READY.

This is just my first post here with some thoughts in my head. I think that living in a zone of "pushing my limits" is a place I want to be. It is creating a better person. I feel alive and challenged. Don’t get me wrong, it is not a fun place all the time. But I will not go backwards... only forward.


peace

Having A Moment

Ugh...

Did you ever have that moment when you just got so fucking frustrated that you wanted to scream? When you got so fucking sick of your situation and wanted something that seemed UN-obtainable. Did you ever feel like a complete failure and what you were doing was pointless?

Ya well I am venting. I am letting off steam right now. I am feeling as if I am the stupidest person on the planet. Yes a moment of self pity. But only a moment because I can’t give up and I need to always move forward. You work so hard and you get nothing from it. I blame myself and my lack of talent and just ughhhhhhhhhh…

FUCK!!!

I know people want jobs… I just feel like a failure right now and I have a fucking headache to boot!! So yes I am frustrated and pissed off but I will be fine. I needed to vent.

Ok back to your regularly scheduled program…

A Nice Surprise

So I had a very good weekend with a very wonderful woman. It all started Wednesday and I have hung out and spent time with her every day. Ok so I can say that she is my girlfriend. (yep) She lives close to me and I enjoy our time together. I love that we have separate interests and similar ones. We go to separate events. We talk and laugh and yes we have incredible sex. She just is a fun person. She is also intelligent.

Not to mention I had a blast shopping at the Ren Faire with her :)

The thing with relationships is that you have to sometimes go day by day. Enjoy the little things and not over analyze what may happen in the future. I think we can sometimes forget that moments in time are meant to be cherished and loved.

I find this woman to be a joy in my life. I smile whenever we talk. What makes this better are my wonderful partners and their support. Both my hubby and wife encourage me. My hubby truly adores this woman and my wife encourages me and will get to spend time with her this weekend in NC. In a poly family communication and honesty and openness are important.

So let me sum this up. I love my wife and my hubby. Two of the greatest people in the world and both a part of my heart and spirit.
 
Let me also add that I seem to be acting like more of a girl around her...  She is rubbing off on me in a positive manner and I like that. She loves to cuddle and no matter what position I wake up in she is there with her arms around me. She smiles all the time and has an additive laugh. I kinda like these things.  lol


This new woman, she is a wonderful friend and I look forward to spending time with her and just having fun.

Voltaire

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing: It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."

 

 

 

"To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. "

 

 

Reflection

So the Treehouse party was this weekend. Kitten and puppy open their home up to guests. It is an invite only party. I love the parties we have. I love watching people hang out, talk, laugh, play, and on occasion have sex. Please note that the last item on this list was sex. (That is because sometimes sex happens)

That being said before the party even began I had this feeling. I can’t explain it but I had a feeling. This would be a different party. The party is usually a lot of play. Whipping, flogging, you know (wink)

No toy bags came in and you could tell that the energy was not one of play. There seemed to be a lot of flirting, touching, and groping going on. (not everyone) But it is important to add that a lot of socializing and talking took place. (there was a lot of talking) It was a lot of fun. It seemed to be a crowd of not heavy players in the scene. Younger folks then normal and I don’t remember seeing many of them play before.

I loved the fact that I did participate in some fun (sex), pounced by 3 fucking hot women is a very very good thing. (must do again)

But here is the thing for me… I don’t want the tree house to be known as the orgy party. I don’t want it to become another Plato’s Retreat. (LMAO) It never will I am not worried.

I like the balance of a play party with the hot tub, with food, with talking, with scenes, and yes with sex as “part” of the whole evening. Glad I talked to my wife about this in the car today. Glad that I wasn't off on my thoughts. I do have a great family.

Looking forward to the next treehouse party.

PEACE

Thoughts...

There are things that speak to the soul. Everyone is different. I believe that they have been called the love languages. Each person is different in what creates a stir within them. Touch, gifts, service, words, quality time. Now I believe that we all need all five at different times from the same person. I value quality time in each of my partners. 

My husband… OK this is a hard one… sort of. See he needs touch and I need service. I think we are coming together some. But we are busy. So I love sitting in the hot tub with him or next to him at dinner. It calms me and makes me feel safe. We go out more and I love my quality time with him. Lol What a great man.

My wife… this is an easy one. Quality time is always what I need but that is more because we are apart a lot. I value and cherish every moment I am with her. You never know when the next time will come. So what is that thing I need? Is it gifts? Well what woman doesn’t like gifts! I do giggles when she gets me something. But no that isn’t it either.

It is touch. When she reaches out and scritches me. When she rubs my back. When she holds my hand. When she runs her hands through my hair. When she touches me with her eyes with a glance and smiles. My heart sores.

Puppy… ok he is not a partner but OMG he is part of my life! QUALITY TIME!! I love being with him and talking. Learning new things and seeing him smile. Ruff ruff ruffff!

So that is how full my heart is now. That is my joy. This is my life. I am happy.

Correction

I hate correction.  Hate it with a passion!

That being said... I love correction. Love it with a passion!

I am who I am because of correction and my willingness to adjust that or change it. I use to argue a lot about my viewpoint but naaa!  No need. If I do something that may or may not offend someone then I need to adjust it. End of sentence. I will stand up for myself if I am believe I am right or believe in the topic but if there is a reaction in me that knows it is wrong or could affect someone then I will change it.

Life it too short to be stubborn over it. I have learned a lot of this from my wife. She corrects me on things in such a caring manner now that I receive them and work on them.  I use to take it personally. As in “I am a failure” …  nope not anymore. We all fuck up.

My reaction to correction may be fast and short. like, "Ok I won't do it" or "Ok I will change" but it is not out of anger or fear it is just me hearing it, accepting it, and then I need to change it.

I think I may need to change how I react also...( I think i just corrected myself!)  lol

My heart is to grow and learn. I don’t plan on stopping.